Yesterday, March 23, was my birthday. As I sheltered in place with my husband and dog Beanie, I knew it was a very different kind of birthday that I will always remember connected to this urgent pandemic. We took the dog for a walk, got some delicious takeout food to bring home, and washed our hands multiple times. The highlight of the day was a 7 PM Zoom Call with my daughter and son-in-law in Austin, and my younger daughter at her apartment in Chicago. They all made me feel special and loved, as did the many kind birthday wishes on Facebook and my phone. There’s nothing wrong with a quiet birthday – and I know I am blessed to be healthy at this point and not closely connected to friends or family affected by the virus.
For me personally, my birthday in 2018 was more challenging, even life-changing. On March 23 the Chicago Tribune article was released (online the night before), exposing the sexual abuse and power abuse charges against Pastor Bill Hybels. My name was in the article as one of the women exposing Bill’s sin. I had not intended to allow my name to show up in print until a few weeks before the article was released. I thought maybe it was best to be “on background” as an anonymous source. But after much prayer and conversation, my husband and I made the agonizing decision to allow the Tribune writers to use my name – even though my own story was only a minor example of the pattern of abuse. I gave my name in support to the other women whose stories I knew, and in an effort to make the article as specific and clear as possible.
While I anticipated to some extent what the response might be, I could not foresee the actual storm that resulted from that first article. On my birthday we were vacationing in Florida. My phone started to blow up as people contacted me with comments and questions and, in some cases, accusations. After reading numerous posts, I knew my heart and mind needed a break. Warren and I left the phones on the table in our rental home, and headed out for a long walk on the beach to clear our heads. When I returned to social media, good wishes for my birthday alternated with a wide variety of comments about the article – including some from people who were outraged and assumed I was lying or colluding with other whistle blowers to bring down the ministry of Bill Hybels. In the days that followed, I heard reports of “Family Meetings” at the church where Bill and the elders defended their position and said untruthful things about me and the other accusers.
I admit that I care too much at times about what others think of me. OK, most of the time! In fact, one of the lessons God has been teaching me over the past two years is that I need to entrust my reputation and the perception of others to Him….that I cannot control what stories are out there, and I need to let go of the need to be fully understood and believed. That lesson is one I have to continue to learn every day.
So here we are, two years after that first article. So much loss and pain and change for untold numbers of people. The consequences and far-reaching impact of one man’s sin - along with the efforts of others to defend him - are immeasurable. Willow Creek, the church that I helped build and a church that I love, has new elders and is searching for its next pastor. I am not there, and will not attempt to describe where they are now. I have met with their new elders and pray for the church to face the truth as they seek to heal and rebuild. I do not believe the declarations of what took place nor the full telling of the story were complete. Likely they never will be. There is much talk of reconciliation, but I do not think the path toward reconciliation can side-step full transparency and specific confession and apology. I can, however, do the work of forgiveness so that my own soul is free. And that work I have committed to doing, as best I can each day.
I am also taking responsibility for my own mental, emotional, and spiritual health. My pain has caused me to move toward God and the church, not to run away. For that I am deeply grateful. I am meeting with a counselor to help me sort through and deeply feel my anger and sadness. Leaning into friends has been a theme of my life, and the secret sauce for healing and joy. So if you ask how I am, two years past the article, I would overall be able to say “I am good.” But not in denial about the scars and the division caused in the church community. I saw up close how nasty and mean Christians can be to one another. I saw how easily we label people and take sides instead of pursuing truth and peace and forgiveness. I saw my own capacity for sins of pride and self-righteousness. I saw how quickly people want to “move on” instead of going to the deeper places of full transparency and repentance. I saw too many church leaders choosing to be silent and avoid the conflict. I also saw remarkable courage from both the whistle blowers and the women who were abused. I saw some Christ followers stepping into the conversation as advocates and truth tellers. There are too many names of heroic people to list. They know who they are, and I hold them in tremendously high esteem.
I am hoping my birthday in 2021, if I am still on this earth, will be uneventful. I’d like to simply eat dinner at a restaurant with family and friends, and not be stretched by any major crisis - whether it be a global calamity or deep trouble in the church. I imagine a very peaceful birthday next year, God willing. May all of us know the God of All Comfort these days, the Prince of Peace.